Saturday, June 23, 2018

I have been told over and over that I should be prepared for major life changes once I turn 30, a crisis of sorts. Turning 30 can change everything, apparently, from your character, to your personality, to your interest in makeup. You turn into a completely different person that everyone who knows you can no longer recognize!

I turned 30 two years ago, and the crisis is yet to arrive.

But I have been learning a lot; mostly that it's okay to be a little selfish. I've learnt that I want to live alone. I worry for my mother and the risks to her well-being when I'm no longer around, but I also know that I need to do this for myself. That I cannot put my needs and desires on hold forever, even for her. I want to inhabit spaces that are my own.

I've learnt that I also want to live with friends. I want to revel in the joy of truly experiencing adulthood with my lobster. I want to know what it's like to furnish a house by myself. Do I want art on the walls? Do I want blue curtains because they're soothing, or orange because they'll look pretty in the light of the setting sun? I want to feel the random everyday happiness of making pancakes for dinner.

I've learnt that it's okay to be in a long-term relationship but not want to commit to a shared future just yet, and maybe not even ever. That it's okay to commit only for now. That it's okay to prioritize my needs when it comes to what I want from a partner.

I've learnt not to worry when life speeds past timelines that society expects us to worry about. Best laid plans for doing all I wanted to were thrown out the window when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and when my father returned home to live with us again. But I have more patience when it comes to dealing with derailment than I realized.

I've learnt that life will take its own time to give me what I need. That I should allow myself to evolve organically, and trust that I will eventually get to where I need to be.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Promises

When you allow your wounds to heal
When you grow larger than your fears

When your doubts drift too far away
for you to see

I hope the woman by your side
is me

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Lobster

You are worth every second, every step
Every defence, every effort

When you are here, I am complete
The piece of me that shadows you
returns, thriving and whole

Very little is good enough
(especially this)
because you are pure gold

And here I will be, always,
To help you see your shimmer

Monday, January 22, 2018

Skin

In my hair, in the undecided curls and waves
I see the women before me, their own forgotten

From my hands come forth
All I can do and all I choose to not

In my breasts are housed my fears, my joy, my desires
And regret and longing, below

From you I receive and to you I give
Pride and skin and lust and peace

Give your body to me, and mine is yours

Friday, January 5, 2018

I want more for you than he can offer you, if he can offer anything at all.

I want more for you than you can imagine for yourself.

I wish you would move beyond what you think is possible, convenient, too much, too little too late.

I wish you wanted to dismiss this hand you've been dealt.

I wish you would remember how it used to be, how you used to be, how we all used to be.

I hope you remember that there is life beyond him. 

I hope you'll be all right without me and with only him.