I have been told over and over that I should be prepared for major life changes once I turn 30, a crisis of sorts. Turning 30 can change everything, apparently, from your character, to your personality, to your interest in makeup. You turn into a completely different person that everyone who knows you can no longer recognize!

I turned 30 two years ago, and the crisis is yet to arrive.

But I have been learning a lot; mostly that it's okay to be a little selfish. I've learnt that I want to live alone. I worry for my mother and the risks to her well-being when I'm no longer around, but I also know that I need to do this for myself. That I cannot put my needs and desires on hold forever, even for her. I want to inhabit spaces that are my own.

I've learnt that I also want to live with friends. I want to revel in the joy of truly experiencing adulthood with my lobster. I want to know what it's like to furnish a house by myself. Do I want art on the walls? Do I want blue curtains because they're soothing, or orange because they'll look pretty in the light of the setting sun? I want to feel the random everyday happiness of making pancakes for dinner.

I've learnt that it's okay to be in a long-term relationship but not want to commit to a shared future just yet, and maybe not even ever. That it's okay to commit only for now. That it's okay to prioritize my needs when it comes to what I want from a partner.

I've learnt not to worry when life speeds past timelines that society expects us to worry about. Best laid plans for doing all I wanted to were thrown out the window when my mother was diagnosed with cancer and when my father returned home to live with us again. But I have more patience when it comes to dealing with derailment than I realized.

I've learnt that life will take its own time to give me what I need. That I should allow myself to evolve organically, and trust that I will eventually get to where I need to be.

Promises

When you allow your wounds to heal
When you grow larger than your fears

When your doubts drift too far away
for you to see

I hope the woman by your side
is me

Lobster

You are worth every second, every step
Every defence, every effort

When you are here, I am complete
The piece of me that shadows you
returns, thriving and whole

Very little is good enough
(especially this)
because you are pure gold

And here I will be, always,
To help you see your shimmer

Skin

In my hair, in the undecided curls and waves
I see the women before me, their own forgotten

From my hands come forth
All I can do and all I choose to not

In my breasts are housed my fears, my joy, my desires
And regret and longing, below

From you I receive and to you I give
Pride and skin and lust and peace

Give your body to me, and mine is yours

I want more for you than he can offer you, if he can offer anything at all.

I want more for you than you can imagine for yourself.

I wish you would move beyond what you think is possible, convenient, too much, too little too late.

I wish you wanted to dismiss this hand you've been dealt.

I wish you would remember how it used to be, how you used to be, how we all used to be.

I hope you remember that there is life beyond him. 

I hope you'll be all right without me and with only him.